it's 2010

... and yet I feel nothing. Not much anyway. This end-year holiday sucks. Not much made my day. Time has changed. And, much as I don't wish for it to happen, people change as well.

I'm no longer the same person on this exact date and time as I was last year. I have grown. Learned a little more, lived a little longer... I have fallen in love, I have fallen out of love, I have cried for love, I have cried because of love... I had several "must do and have to" for the sake of love.

Somebody told me "in order to quickly forget old flame, one must quickly immerse oneself with new flame". Of course, that someone happened to want to be my "new flame". Anyhow, got over me pretty quickly when i went back to my hometown. Couldn't understand why I MUST go back for the holiday. He thought I can NOT go if I want to. Guess he still doesn't understand Asian culture, being a foreigner and all that.

Anyways, NEW YEAR 2010 today. Hmmm... After lotsa rambling, still feel nothing. It's just number. It means I have another year to get through studying. Wish I didn't feel so fatalistic about the new year but kinda hard to do that. What with the whole GST tax thing-y, oil price, royalties and the latest one I just heard on the news tonight, Christians in Peninsular Malaysia's usage of the word Allah.

I just don't understand the whole deal about the last one actually. I only have very little understanding of the law, but I thought the issue of religion should not have been brought to the court AT ALL as it is a sensitive issue and as such the Majlis Raja-Raja's the only governing body that can touch it, WITH EXTREME CARE. Hmmmm... 

Blablabla... I'm rambling again... Point of the matter is actually, I'm feeling crappy and don't feel shit about anything that's to happen in this year of 2010. If the movie 2012 is to be believed, I'm never going to finish my study and get to work and buy shit. 

I dunno. I guess I'm just too damn-fucking broken by last year's incidents and happenings. Wanna have peace but i guess I'm not ready to make nice just yet. Too fucking raw, the emotion inside. Shouldn't, Should have, Must, Must Not, Want, Need. They're fucking confu-damn-sing!

i'm stupid

i am a slave to my own body~
eating, sleeping, walking, farting, pooping, etc~~
i really am a slave to my own body~

usai sudah

Ya~~

Semuanya sudah usai. Aku sudah tidak bersama "dia" lagi. "Dia" tidak pernah mempunyai apa-apa rasa denganku, cuma aku yang kelihatannya terhegeh-hegeh mengkehendakkan" dia.

Aku jadi malu. Dan aku juga jadi marah. "He" gave me false hope, "he" made me think there was more, made me think that just perhaps "he" was The One for me. Definitely misled me regarding the whereabout of "his" supposedly m.i.a. girlfriend.

For goodness sake man, she only went to K-fucking-L to study, not play. And yeah, she admittedly did not contact you for three months, but she was there to fucking study. S.T.U-fucking-D.Y. and not to play. It is understandable for people who study to fucking lose track of going-ons around them, and yes also their loved ones. It's not like YOU don't know how stressful studying can be. You yourself are a student.

Hell, during those times that she did not contact you, have you tried contacting her? Although I've only known you less than 2 months, I can see a pattern in your behaviour. I know you like taking your sweet time to get in contact with your girl and usually puts your friends first. I know that only too well.

I'm still bitter. I am still sad. And I am still yearning to be in your company, to feel your hands holding me in your warm embrace. But, enough is enough. The two of us are over, in fact we never even had a beginning to start with. You are my past and I will remember you as such.

It's sad when stuff does not happen the way we want it to happen. But, learning from past mistake will hopefully help me see people for who they really are.

when you find yourself in a hole, STOP DIGGING!!!

i've found myself in a "hole", figuratively speaking. a hole that i have to dig because i couldn't bear not to. i told my friends that it's only temporary but if i am honest with myself, i wouldn't really know if it really will be as "temporary" as i told them it will be.

this is stupid. i am stupid.

it is crazy. i am crazy.

this is going to hurt me. i know that but do i really?

in the beginning, it was easy to say that it was just for fun. but fate has a different idea. when feelings cloud our thinking, it is harder to extricate ourselves from the proverbial "hole" of our life. we become attached to the "hole" to the point of becoming almost mad in our continued pursuit of the "perfect" happy ending.

human really must keep in mind that happy endings only exist in fairy tales. there is no such thing as happy ending in real life. man and happy ending are foreign concepts that are never going to meet in peace. content? yes. happy? no no no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~to be continued

careless whisper

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Diriku kini terasa merana
kau segala buat diriku
tapi kau berpunya

ku ingin luahkan apa rasa di hati
kata hati yang ku pendam selama ini
ku cinta (kau cinta)
ku cinta (kau cinta)
kau cinta (ku cinta)
kau cinta (ku cinta) 2X

secara jujur ku masih mencintaimu
secara jujur tak dapat ku lupakanmu
tak payah dan tak perlu ku cerita tentang lara
atau kesepian yang tidak ku tahu akhirnya
ya kini kau tiada tapi dia bagaimana
mampukah dirinya jadi belahan nyawa
hentikan bisikan yang bermain di fikiranku
ku sayang dia seperti aku sayang kau dulu

Termenung kosong cerita cinta si dia
sedih tidak cemburu mungkin iya
tiga batu permata ku dapat hanya duka
biar aku sengsara suka di dalam luka uhh
biar perit akan ku telan jua
agar dikau bahagia ku buat apa saja
anganku moga kita bersama
rela aku merana lihat dikau bersama
akhirnya aku pasrah..

ooooo
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diriku kini terasa merana
kau segala buat diriku
tapi kau...kau berpunya

walaupun kau bersamanya
kau tetap aku yang punya
biar ku telan pahitnya
agar kau bahagia
siang dan malam aku menanti
walau diri ku tak dipeduli
sayang kau tak menyedari
cinta mu ada disini

kehilangan satu-satunya sandaran jiwa
dihujani luka berembun penyesalan
membiarkan ilusi karut memapah emosi
cakerawalku buta cahaya hilang kemana (satu rasa)
takkan mati takkan pergi takkan berganti (umpama)
akal dan hati tidak pernah berkomunikasi
di batas kehampaan dan kerinduan
aku doakan bahagia buat dirimu dan dia

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Dengarlah rintihan hati
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tanpaku menemanimu
kau tetap di ingatan ku
namun masa dah berlalu

walau pun kau bersamanya
kau tetap aku yang punya
biarku telan pahitnya
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