i'm stupid

i am a slave to my own body~
eating, sleeping, walking, farting, pooping, etc~~
i really am a slave to my own body~

usai sudah

Ya~~

Semuanya sudah usai. Aku sudah tidak bersama "dia" lagi. "Dia" tidak pernah mempunyai apa-apa rasa denganku, cuma aku yang kelihatannya terhegeh-hegeh mengkehendakkan" dia.

Aku jadi malu. Dan aku juga jadi marah. "He" gave me false hope, "he" made me think there was more, made me think that just perhaps "he" was The One for me. Definitely misled me regarding the whereabout of "his" supposedly m.i.a. girlfriend.

For goodness sake man, she only went to K-fucking-L to study, not play. And yeah, she admittedly did not contact you for three months, but she was there to fucking study. S.T.U-fucking-D.Y. and not to play. It is understandable for people who study to fucking lose track of going-ons around them, and yes also their loved ones. It's not like YOU don't know how stressful studying can be. You yourself are a student.

Hell, during those times that she did not contact you, have you tried contacting her? Although I've only known you less than 2 months, I can see a pattern in your behaviour. I know you like taking your sweet time to get in contact with your girl and usually puts your friends first. I know that only too well.

I'm still bitter. I am still sad. And I am still yearning to be in your company, to feel your hands holding me in your warm embrace. But, enough is enough. The two of us are over, in fact we never even had a beginning to start with. You are my past and I will remember you as such.

It's sad when stuff does not happen the way we want it to happen. But, learning from past mistake will hopefully help me see people for who they really are.

when you find yourself in a hole, STOP DIGGING!!!

i've found myself in a "hole", figuratively speaking. a hole that i have to dig because i couldn't bear not to. i told my friends that it's only temporary but if i am honest with myself, i wouldn't really know if it really will be as "temporary" as i told them it will be.

this is stupid. i am stupid.

it is crazy. i am crazy.

this is going to hurt me. i know that but do i really?

in the beginning, it was easy to say that it was just for fun. but fate has a different idea. when feelings cloud our thinking, it is harder to extricate ourselves from the proverbial "hole" of our life. we become attached to the "hole" to the point of becoming almost mad in our continued pursuit of the "perfect" happy ending.

human really must keep in mind that happy endings only exist in fairy tales. there is no such thing as happy ending in real life. man and happy ending are foreign concepts that are never going to meet in peace. content? yes. happy? no no no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~to be continued

careless whisper

Bisikan cinta menghantui diri ku ini
masa tak henti
bisikan cinta menghantui

Diriku kini terasa merana
kau segala buat diriku
tapi kau berpunya

ku ingin luahkan apa rasa di hati
kata hati yang ku pendam selama ini
ku cinta (kau cinta)
ku cinta (kau cinta)
kau cinta (ku cinta)
kau cinta (ku cinta) 2X

secara jujur ku masih mencintaimu
secara jujur tak dapat ku lupakanmu
tak payah dan tak perlu ku cerita tentang lara
atau kesepian yang tidak ku tahu akhirnya
ya kini kau tiada tapi dia bagaimana
mampukah dirinya jadi belahan nyawa
hentikan bisikan yang bermain di fikiranku
ku sayang dia seperti aku sayang kau dulu

Termenung kosong cerita cinta si dia
sedih tidak cemburu mungkin iya
tiga batu permata ku dapat hanya duka
biar aku sengsara suka di dalam luka uhh
biar perit akan ku telan jua
agar dikau bahagia ku buat apa saja
anganku moga kita bersama
rela aku merana lihat dikau bersama
akhirnya aku pasrah..

ooooo
masa tak henti
bisikan cinta menghantui

diriku kini terasa merana
kau segala buat diriku
tapi kau...kau berpunya

walaupun kau bersamanya
kau tetap aku yang punya
biar ku telan pahitnya
agar kau bahagia
siang dan malam aku menanti
walau diri ku tak dipeduli
sayang kau tak menyedari
cinta mu ada disini

kehilangan satu-satunya sandaran jiwa
dihujani luka berembun penyesalan
membiarkan ilusi karut memapah emosi
cakerawalku buta cahaya hilang kemana (satu rasa)
takkan mati takkan pergi takkan berganti (umpama)
akal dan hati tidak pernah berkomunikasi
di batas kehampaan dan kerinduan
aku doakan bahagia buat dirimu dan dia

bisikan cinta menghantui diri
bisikan cinta menghantui diri ku kini

Dengarlah rintihan hati
suara jiwa ku ini
moga kau kan tempuhi
segala rintangan yang bakal menanti
tanpaku menemanimu
kau tetap di ingatan ku
namun masa dah berlalu

walau pun kau bersamanya
kau tetap aku yang punya
biarku telan pahitnya
agar kau bahagia
siang dan malam aku menanti
walau diriku tak di peduli
sayang kau tak menyedari cinta mu ada di sini

Masa tak henti
bisikan cinta menghantuiku

this is IT!

i thought i could walk away easily from him, mr teddy. but i was sorely mistaken. i was so wrong. i misses mr teddy terribly. and i wanted to cry, yet i can't. i want to be in his arms once more, but that is impossible.

jerempot, his friend, has ensured that i don't see, talk or meet with mr teddy anymore. in the beginning, i thought my feelings for mr teddy was mere companionship. after all, it was comfortable being in his company. but now, i know better. i've fallen deeply, head over heels, in love with him. damn, i still feel embarrassed saying that. i thought i knew what love was all about.

i was so wrong. i just wish i'd met mr teddy by myself instead of through jerempot, the blasted bastard friend. how am i to be with mr teddy if i just can't get along with his 'best buds', jerempot? if only mr teddy knows the things jerempot has done. i wish i can tell mr teddy, but it will achieve nothing. it will only end up hurting mr teddy and me even more.

he's said his goodbye and i've said mine. i just wished that mr teddy'd shown some sort of resistance, a sign to me when i wished him luck on his "engagement" end of this year, jerempot's machination of course. i wish he'd have asked me where i've heard of it and maybe deny it. but mr teddy just kept silent.

mr teddy, i wished you would've argued me at that time. at least i'll know that you were with me because of me and not because you wanted to smite your friends. if only you'd shown me the least bit resistance to the story, i would've fought for you. i'd have thrown away my pride and faced jerempot's and the rest of your friends' recrimination for you. i'd have endured your friends' hurtful 'slut' insult for you, if only you'd shown me resistance.

i wished you'd have fought for and argued with me when i lied and said that your friends was the reason i stayed away from you. i wished that you've demanded that i ignore your friends instead of agreeing with me and saying that you think it best that you disappear from my life.

mr teddy, i don't want you out of my life. i don't want you to be that understanding with my situation. i wanted you to argue with me. in fact, i don't think i'd mind if you'd slapped me or called me names at that time. but no. you were so understanding, so considerate that i wished i could just crawl to the nearest hole, curl up and die. i felt so angry that such a big babboon like you could be so gentle like that. but then again, maybe that's why i fell in love with you.

now that you're out of my life, i feel so empty. i wanted to contact you, but i know in the long run i will end up hurting you. besides, you may as well have found somebody new now. and oh yeah, i never bought that shit about you getting engaged end of this year crap that jerempot sold me. i was merely using it as excuse for me to stay away from you. but damn if it didn't hurt.

there's not a second that goes by that i don't have you in my mind. in the beginning, i laughed when i think of how your big beer-belly was the first thing that i envisioned everytime when i tried to remember your face. yet, now your face with your big goofy smile and your 5-o'clock shadow and your awkward dance moves and the feel of your hand on my waist... i'm supposed to forget about you but the more i try, the more vivid the images of our memory together becomes in my mind. tell me how am i supposed to forget you if i keep on remembering little details about you every 5 seconds?

i wanted so much to message you. how are you doing? have you painted your car white yet? sorry i kept on slamming the door when all it needs to close it was a soft small push. are you eating correctly coz i know you like to procrastinate about eating when it comes to meeting with your friends. are you feeling lonely coz i know you hate it when your friends just dumps you whenever they're with their boy/girlfriend. have you tried contacting your estranged girlfriend? i believe you may still take her back when she comes back from overseas. but most importantly and despite that last question, i'd really like to ask if you'd missed me... have you ever once during those times we were apart missed me? because i'm missing you like crazy right now, hoping you'd called me just once at least so that i can say 'to hell with jerempot, i'm going to fight for mr teddy. to hell with the future, i wish to make mr teddy happy even if the truth may be revealed and will definitely hurt us.

shit!!!! why the hell must i end up hurting mr teddy?????? i don't want him hurt yet staying away from him is ripping my heart in two!!!

GOD, I MISS HIM. MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAY. PLEASE.